Day 6 of no contact........

We have not contacted each other now for 6 days! Every day I get that much closer to cutting the umbilical cord. Sometimes I think WOW it's cut ... and then a matter of hours go by and my wheels start spinning..... what was the last thing said? I wonder if he is sad, mad, angry, glad..... etc. He says that he has been clean for more than 2 months now, and by his actions (not his words), I have not personally seen any changes. At this point, that is what I needed for us to start a new journey together. More often than not, I feel that he is probably really happy to see the back of me, and then some times I think he is hurting as much as I am, but is kindly giving me my space. Maybe he is thinking both? Or maybe he really doesn't give 2 sh!ts about it and is resuming just fine not being worried about being accused and not trusted by someone anymore! AND THEN... that stinkin thinkin gets replaced with.... it doesn't matter what he's thinking! And I carry on with my recovery! I am so used to keeping him updated on my feelings, so he we are on the same page, but we don't have the book anymore...... for our page to fit. I fear I will never be able to lie next to someone and look and feel something so amazing. That feeling was my drug, if I look at it negatively. When really it was something I have never felt for anyone before, I thought he was my soul mate!

Anyway.... right now I'm just embracing this recovery and I have faith that one day, I will go one day without thinking about him. I am working towards that..... I know it sounds horrible.... but my emotions are flip flopping through out the day. My friend told me today, that is why the "no contact rule" is so good. Cause lets say we talk when I'm missing him terrible.... yet had I of waited.... a few hours later I probably would be so relieved that we are not in this dysfunction anymore! That I am feeling happy and soulful about my life and not obsessing over his!

Today I felt like writing him an email ......saying I'm sorry that I couldn't trust again... I'm sorry I was not strong enough.... I'm sorry that I have so much doubt. It's true... I am sorry, but that is because I'm not able to carry that much right now... I think in reality, I would be strong enough, but it's not the time for me right now to do so. I would just fail ... horribly. I've already shown that I can't.

Afterglow by Sara MacLachlan is the cd that is currently all about my relationship and how it went. It's healing to listen to.